Sometimes one feels conspired against. Quotes and thoughts on the same topic have been sneaking in at me from all directions!
This morning's reading from my current book, Have a New Kid by Friday, by Dr. Kevin Leman, was all about letting go and walking away. No arguments, no explanations, no tolerating sass and disrespect. Simply "say it once, and walk away."
That's not an easy answer, because, in our rearview vision, we still see the child doing exactly what we didn't want. For me, right this moment, that's knowing that even though my son got his cello out and tuned it, that was over 5 minutes ago, and he's likely off doing something completely unrelated right now, instead of practicing. But, I've said it once (and even, once, comiserated that practice isn't always fun), and walked away. Now it's in his court. (Hmmm. . .do I hear the strains of Vivaldi wafting down the stairs?)
Staring me in the face from the bookshelf are the titles of two other parenting help-books: Change Your Child's Behavior by Changing Yours, and Scream-Free Parenting (the subtitle of which reads: Raising Your Kids by Keeping Your Cool). Oh, and what about that lovely article on French parenting I referenced a couple of posts ago? One of the chief points that caught my attention was that French parents (in general) aren't afraid to parent.
What do they all share in common? A strong emphasis on the parent being a whole person, in control of themselves, and willing to allow the child to reap appropriate consequencese. And only a parent in control of themselves can walk away, to allow the child to find out the consequences if they so choose.
Scream-free's approach: The only way to retain a position of influence with our children is to regain a position of control over ourselves.
[and in a section entitled "Throwing Down the Gauntlet". . .]
Your child is testing you to see that you are stable and consistent. And he wants you to pass.
From Change Your Child's Behavior: You can avoid much of this [battles of wills, etc] if you understand that as the adult in the home, you must be in charge--not only of making sure your child is growing up in a loving, supportive environment, but of your reactions to each and every situation parenting brings.
And from a classic, and one of my favorite parenting books, Between Parent and Child, by Dr. Haim Ginott, we read: When handled without excessive emotion, many discipline situations dissolve. When handled hysterically, they may become serious problems to plague the parent and the child for years to come.
In all of these books, I find similar bits of advice, for parents to keep cool, by giving instructions once and then backing off. Don't force the issue--let the consequences teach. Don't yell, plead, remind, bribe or cajole. Stay calm, stay emotionally cool, and let life teach the lesson.
In practice this is REALLY important. At a younger age (say, 4 through 7 or 8), the parent can't just say "go practice." The child really needs the parent to help, in order to learn how to practice. But there comes a time when it is the child's responsibility to at least get the instrument out, find the music, and start the work. That's the point at which balking often happens, and now, we need the above advice far more than ever before. It is now the child's job. The parent has to back off, and let the child become responsible for his own actions.
Say it once, and walk away.
If we hover until the child finally starts practice, if we remind, cajole, plead, we are sending the message that "even though I asked you to do something, I don't really believe you can and will. I believe you aren't capable, and/or I expect you to misbehave." Do we really want to send that message? They will never, under those circumstances, become self-starters, and we will always dread the battle.
Far better to set the consequences in our own hearts (no need to spell them out up front, because that gives the child the option of choosing the consequence consciously!). Set, and keep.
No practice? No free time.
No practice? No TV.
No practice? No visit to your friend's house. Period. Plain and simple. No anxiety.
Say it once, and walk away.
This morning's post from Scream-Free Institute shared a quote by Irish Poet Robert Cecil Day-Lewis:
"How selfhood begins with a walking away, and love is proved in the letting go."
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