How many ways can you say, "No"? I bet you can come up with plenty right now, sitting sedately in front of your computer. Sweetly, calmly, firmly but kindly, sternly. . .
How many ways can you say, "No", when your toddler is escaping for the fifth time, this time without clothes? or when the teenager wants to stay out till midnight on a school night, or when your grade-schooler slams the door in your face?
It's so hard to control my voice. I can mean one thing by my words, but inflect the exact opposite by my tone--before I even notice it! I'm not a great actor, in the realm of disguising my true emotions, and I suspect none of us really is, either.
I read an article this evening about French parenting. It's a bit long, but contains some very interesting points about the different American and French parental viewpoints. We Americans aren't doing so well overall, with children who run us ragged, and sass at the drop of a hat. The French parents the author interviewed didn't seem to struggle nearly as much with child "mutiny," and the reason, she suggests, is the tone of voice.
There's an authority to the tone which can say, "I make the rules here," or "I will have no nonsense or disrespect, because I simply expect the best of you." It's not a tone of disapproval (which I exercise far too often), or a tone of indecisiveness. It's not a tone of anger or harshness, shame or belittling. It's a tone which simply states what the perameters are. "Here is the line, and it won't move."
Often, I hear parents say to me, "I can't get her to practice. She doesn't want to do it."
My first response? Genuine sympathy! I've been there, and I expect to visit regularly for a number of years, yet. My son, age 9.5 (going on 15), loves music, and swings wildly from loving practice (when there's something new to work on) to hating practice (for any number of reasons). And IF there is a parent reading this who has never struggled even once with a child who didn't want to practice, please enlighten all of us as to how you did it!
My second response? To liken the practice to any other less-than-favorite chore or activity, or even to eating a good-for-you food that the child dislikes. Is it child abuse to insist he should eat his spinach? No. Is it harsh and forceful to make a child take out the trash? No. Is it wrong to expect a child to do his homework or clean his room? Not at all. So is it mean to expect the child to practice when it's time? No.
Somehow, because we want the child to love music, we feel that practicing is in a different category. We fear that if we insist, the child will grow up hating music, and develop a twisted, darkened character. And so, we retreat into pleading, bribing, requesting, making games, all to interest the child in doing something that is an expected responsibility, just like chores or homework. In fact, in case no one has ever said it quite this way, practicing is a musician's homework.
So what does this have to do with tone of voice? Read the article, and I think you'll see that how we communicate with our children on the subject of practice says much more than the actual words we use. They may not "want" to practice, but they do, under it all, want you to be consistent and firm about what's expected. Not harsh, not judgemental, but firm.
Take charge. Be "the mom." Insist gently, but firmly. And don't apologize for being what God has granted you the privilege and honor of being.
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